September 25, 2012

September 25, 2012 (Tuesday)
(Post 609, Day 269 of 2012, 634 days since original post)

Daily Comment

I spend more time alone than most people, I think.

I live alone, so the only opportunity to socialize is at work or when I go out. 

I work alone, too - my job is 'virtual' which means I am not co-located with other members of my department. My cubicle is in rented office space in a medical office building, not the Syracuse VA Medical Center. Everybody around my cubicle is in the Accounting Department. 

80% of my interpersonal dialogs happen via email, the other 19.5% happens by phone. There are only occasional opportunities (and not daily) to talk with other people. And they don't come up daily.

A lot of times when I leave work or my apartment, it is to run errands, a solitary task. While I try to be polite but engaging, any conversations I have are impersonal, relevant only to the task on hand.

I don't play team sports, have any real interest in college or pro athletics, and I don't go out for a beer at the neighborhood bar (I go there on Open Mic night and drink club soda). I rarely socialize without an occasion (although I will go out for any occasion that gives me the opportunity to spend time with friends and family). 

I have to drive for four-plus-hours or take a seven-hour flight to be in the company of family members. It is the same driving distance to see  friends from my pre-Syracuse (three years) past, so don't get to see them as often as I'd like, either. Any out-of-town visits are confined to weekends because of that travel.

Music is my main social outlet - which may be most of the reason I limit my music-making to ensemble/groups and don't have an inclination to play solo. Or even to practice that way. The only times I enjoy music on my own these days is when I'm working on a 'private' musical project (which usually means transforming a group recording to a CD), learning a tune or driving in my car.

It turns out that I'm okay with all that. I don't feel lonely when I'm alone. 

I have cultivated lots of interests (outside of music) that  I enjoy doing by myself. I don't feel that everything I do can or has to be done with other people's participation. I'm okay when I'm on my own, and have always been. I wouldn't be happy in isolation, but that isn't something I have to deal with, either. I am comfortable in social situations.

Does my alone-ness have a down-side? Of course. There are times when a desire for company goes unfulfilled. There are activities that are more fun, or only do-able when shared. I'm left out of those things these days. And I don't participate in couples activities.

At this point I am really focused on  the things (outside of music) that I can do alone. 

Of course, all this makes me a terrible candidate for a "relationship." Especially a romantic relationship. But I don't feel any sense of loss in that. 

I reject the idea that I need someone to "complete" me, or that my happiness depends on someone else. It isn't that I think I can (or must) be completely self-reliant, it is that I don't make my happiness someone else's responsibility, even in part.

I feel I am open to new relationships. I have formed dozens of new relationships in the last three years since I came (alone) to Syracuse. But until I meet someone who feels the same way about these things as I do, it isn't going to happen. 

It is a high bar (wall?) I have put up: It requires someone who rejects the notion that other people are responsible for their happiness or satisfaction,and doesn't need a dependent or codependent.

Still, the possibility that I could meet some like that tomorrow, or in four years, when I won't have the social opportunities of the workplace (permanently) or the musician's life (temporarily), or any time or place thereafter. 

I hope I'm not kidding myself that I'm open to that.

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Food and Diet Section

Today's Weight:        202.8 lbs 
Yesterday's Weight:    202.8 lbs
Day Net Loss/Gain:     - 0.0 lbs

Year 2012 daily weight from December 31, 2011.

Diet Comment

No movement. At least, yesterday's little bit of off-plan 'lunch' plus late night mass-feeding didn't do any damage. 

Food Log

Breakfast
Chia gel.

Lunch

Salmon salad on Spring Mix with red cabbage and balsamic vinaigrette.

Snack
Cookies and crackers.

Dinner

Pepperoni, hard-boiled eggs, celery and home-made mayonnaise.

Snack
Blueberries and Ezekiel Golden Flax sprouted grain cereal with almond milk and stevia-erythritol blend.

Late Snack
Celery with mayonnaise. 

Liquid Intake
    Coffee:  32 oz,  Water: 64+ oz.

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